I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
