You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
