We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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