Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
