Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
