U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
