I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
