Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
