i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
