just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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