batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
