Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize