who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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