Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
