obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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