I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
