Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
