i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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