I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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