If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
