i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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