quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
