I'm drive I can fine osifer
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
