My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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