I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
