I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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