mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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