You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
