if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
