Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We smell like vodka and hangover
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
