I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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