so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
