what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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