dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
