i jhust puked up my retainher.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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