Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
