I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
