Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
