Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
