Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
