just tell him i said nine months
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
