I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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