Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
