Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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