I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
