her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
