And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
