i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
