Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
