dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
