I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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