3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
