dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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