it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
