all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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