either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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